Kiwano Horned Melons

Why the horns? Isn't he point of a fruit to get eaten, travel, then get pooped out? Unless this melon had a specific eater in mind. If I was a fruit, I would have involved to say "eat me."

Cooked Quinoa

The only confusing part about quinoa is the amount of calories per serving as simmering one cup of uncooked, dry quinoa in 2 cups of water for 15 minutes results in about 3 cups of cooked, "wet" quinoa. I've found that a quarter cup of your garden variety quinoa uncooked is about 170 calories with 29 grams of carbs and 6 grams of protein. To get used to the flavor, at first I added some shredded Parmesan cheese, then gradually graduated to just salt and pepper. The stuff keeps in the refrigerator for at least 4 days, so I like to make a batch on Monday and parcel it out the rest of the week for lunch. The spouse also makes some killer veggie chili with it. 

Uncooked Quinoa

2013 is the year of the Quinoa (keen-wah). While I don't know the definition of a "super food," I do know that replacing rice and other starches with quinoa has had a dramatic effect on my weight loss and (possibly) muscle gain. I say possibly because there have been other variable changes, meaning that the results can not be laid at the feet at any one change, but quinoa is a complete protein, meaning it has every essential amino acid that the human body needs to rebuild tissue. 

Red Hook Lobster Roll

I'll give it an A- in the old school grading system, and an SP in the new school grading system. Sadly this was one of my bucket list items (eat at Red Hook mobile food truck). My bucket list needs to be reexamined or I need to be put down.

Triple Peanut

Ah, the hallowed triple peanut, apparently more common than I thought. Not in the realm of the four leaf clover (personal reminder: find four leaf clover and upload). Still, you can't eat a four leaf clover, whereas you get the surprise of cracking open that shell to reveal not one, not two, but three peanuts waiting to be devoured. Is there such thing as a quadruple peanut?

Hershey's Milk Chocolate Bar

The holy grail of treats on Halloween, my posse and I would go out of our way on the mere rumor that there was house giving out full sized bars of candy. We had one reliable house in our neighborhood. I think the couple didn't have children, or the children had grown-up, or whatever excuse we could come up with for these gods among mortals. I don't remember the last time I went trick or treating. If I had known, I would have gone on the candy binge of a lifetime. Wait, now I do that every time I hand out candy and scoff at the older kids who barely put effort into their "costumes."

Apple

People who try to give out fruit or healthy snacks on Halloween probably only do it once. Consider it a form of suburban justice. Your house is marked as worse than those that have all the lights shut off and the drapes over the windows; at least they could conceivably be out of the house. Or the people with the empty bowl of candy that says take one; did they really put any candy in there to begin with. No, the folks trying to give apples out on the most holiest of kid's days end up with white tissue paper on their trees and eggs on their house. I didn't partake in these illegal acts; there were kids far better it than me with priors already. 

Mini Apple and Pumpkin Pies

I love pies you can eat in one bite.

Fondant Graduation Cap

It would make quite a mess, because it is made out of cake. Honestly, these cakes look so good that people are afraid to eat them. It would be like eating a Monet painting. 

Space Shuttle on 747 Can Model

This was by far the best model made from cans at the building museum.

Pork and Beans Cans

This is pretty petty, but sometime last century FDA required that labels list ingredient by order of amount, both in the ingredients & if it is referenced in the title of the product. Obviously, Pork & Beans has more beans than pork, so should technically be Beans & Pork. However, Pork & Beans was grandfathered in, since people had known Pork & Beans as Pork & Beans for as long as Pork & Beans had been around. Full disclosure: I love me some Pork & Beans.

Clove Versus Bulb of Garlic

Cooking is not my forte. I make a mean omelet, some good waffles, in fact, more than 90% of my game revolves around breakfast. A glaring example of dinner ineptitude came when I decided to make something that called for 4 cloves of garlic. Well, not being versed in the nomenclature of garlic, I assumed that a clove was the WHOLE THING OF GARLIC (in other words, the bulb). So about an hour later, I've cut, unbeknownst to me, about two dozen cloves before I called it quits and just used that amount, which I though was half of what I needed. The wife came home to a wall of garlic and proceeded to choke on the meal which was garlic laden. This is when I discovered that a bulb of garlic was different from a clove. Whoops. On the bright side, nary a vampire was seen near our zip code that week.

Portobello Mushrooms

I like to believe I'm pretty respectful of vegetarians. If push came to shove and I was forced to slaughter my own food, there is no way I am eating meat. However, it looks like they will eventually have "synthetic" meat, grown in a petri dish, that hurts nobody (except our arteries) and tastes like the real thing. In the mean time, I will keep eating what feels right. The best substitute for straight on hamburger is not one of those boca burgers which looks like a lump of ground of newspaper and vegetables; it is a straight-up portobello mushroom. Just throw it on the grill, brush with oil, add cheese (for non-vegans) and you are in business. 

Quiche

Why don't real men eat quiche? It has eggs, sometimes bacon, a nice crust. I really don't think that my man parts will somehow atrophy after partaking in a bite of quiche. Maybe it is the name. Anything French is sometimes questioned since French is the language of love. Men don't speak love, unless they have ulterior motives. We speak man, and poorly at that. I am gonna go eat some quiche.

Cooked Bacon

I'd wager to say that almost all non-vegetarians enjoy the occasional slice (or slab for those of us slobs) of bacon. Personally, I would eat it every day if it wasn't for having to go through the effort of frying it and making a huge mess that has to be cleaned up at a later time. You've always got to find a can to pour the grease in, reminding yourself what you just put into your arteries. And don't say you can just go buy it pre-cooked or at a restaurant; it is not the same. Good move bacon. Unlike lobster which thought it was a good evolutionary idea to taste bad after they die, forcing us smart humans to cook them alive. Whoops.

Jumbo Shrimp

I've cooked shrimp maybe twice in my lifetime, so maybe I was a little out of my comfort zone with these monsters. However, they cooperated and cooked on the grill with a little oil. Jumbo shrimp is still my favorite oxymoron.

Steak and Hot Dogs

These porterhouses had to be wondered what they did wrong to be surrounded by a bunch of a cheap hot dogs. Well, that is what happens when you have kids. I've tried those "angus" hot dogs, and all the other manner of different meat hot dogs, and you know what, they all taste the damn same.

Jalapeno Plant

Maybe I can make some salsa.

Vegetarian Goose

No comment.

Despicable Me Minion Cupcakes

Smarties for eyes, Twinkie for body. I can't take credit for this; a friend apparently had more time on his hands than I did. Apparently he also makes hair, but we were in a rush. Tougher to manufacture after Twinkies became worth their weight in gold.